In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
(Isaiah 30:15)
Several years ago a TV commercial advertised the need for preventative car maintenance that included changing the oil and filters regularly. In view were all the worn parts that were being replaced on a vehicle whose owner had not done a good job of keeping the automobile well-maintained. The mechanic simply said, "You can pay me now or pay me later," clearly communicating that paying later would involve repair bills that would be much higher than the cost of regular maintenance.
PREPARE more, REPAIR less. The same lesson can be applied to interpersonal relationships. If you learn to PREPARE ahead so that your needs or expectations are met, then you will not have to spend nearly as much time and effort doing REPAIR work in your interpersonal relationships. The result will be fewer situations where you have to apologize for the negative behavior (stress) that results from unmet needs or expectations. If you’ve ever taken the Grip/Birkman Blueprint you have a great resource for helping you discover how to do this. Even if you have never done the Birkman Method, you can still get some good hints about how to prepare more and repair less by understanding your view of the world and what you expect from others (needs) and how you go about getting what you need or expect from them to help you be more effective in your own behavior.
For example: In my usual, effective style of behavior I am able to relate well to people, both one-on-one and in group settings. I can often read the climate of the group very quickly and I know that I am at my best when I am relating to people in an open, candid way. Many people would see me as an extrovert, which could characterize my usual, effective style of behavior. I have learned, however, that for me to be in that usual, effective style of relating to people, I must have addressed at least two very significant needs. I know that I have a very high need for Esteem (the Birkman word for relating one-on-one) and a very low need for Acceptance (the Birkman word for relating in group). For me, that translates to a need for time to reflect—either alone, with just my wife, or just one close friend, or perhaps just us and one other couple. I do not necessarily need to spend great amounts of time in solitude or with such special friends, but I have a great need for that time on a regular basis.
If I do not prepare ahead of time by seeing that my need for solitude or selectively social relationships is met, then I know that I am likely to become reclusive, pessimistic, defensive, easily embarrassed or hurt. All that sounds rather negative doesn’t it? WELL, IT IS! Stress behavior is negative and that is how others see it. I know that such negative behavior can cause damage to my interpersonal relationships that will cost me dearly to repair once I have reestablished the balance in my life and my need is being met. The way I can stay out of my negative stress behavior and avoid having to repair the damage to my interpersonal relationships is to make sure I have prepared ahead of time by getting regular doses of solitude and casual or intimate conversations with a few select people.
STORE vs. RESTORE
Another way to see the concept of meeting your needs or expectations is to STORE up ahead of time, minimizing the need to RESTORE later. By making sure the need is met, you can STORE up enough to have the necessary energy to remain in your effective, usual style of behavior. If, however, there is nothing in the well to draw on, you will find yourself acting in your stress behaviors, depleting your emotional energy even more and searching for ways to RESTORE yourself to your usual, effective behavior.
Bill illustrated a great example of this. He talked about spending himself to exhaustion while on business trips so he could get home sooner and have more time with his family. The only problem was, when he got home he was so depleted that it took a couple of days for him to recharge and feel like spending any time in significant interaction with his wife and kids. He had to retreat to his home office to restore his energy through computer games or catching up on office details before he felt ready to give them the time they needed. It looked to them like Bill had everything to give to the job and nothing left over to give to his family.
Bill’s usual Activity level was very high, but his need or expectations from others was considerably lower in this area. As a leader, he wanted to be very active on the job and give 110%, but he also had a strong need to spend more time in reflection and mental activity. He began working on a plan to try and meet more of his needs along the way by programming brief times for rest and reflection during his business trips so that when he got home, he would have energy to be actively engaged with his family in both quality and quantity of time. Instead of depleting all his energy on the trip, he actually managed to store up a little more along the way so he had enough for his family and to spare when he got home and did not have to spend so much time restoring his energy.
As you look at this week’s hints, remember that you are both a leader and a follower.
Hint to the Leader
· Try to identify an area of need or unmet expectations that is causing your stress.
· How can you prepare yourself and store up where you need it to avoid having to repair or restore?
· Who do you need to help you meet this specific need?
· How will you ask them to help?
Hint to the Follower
· Consider if there have been any difficult relationships that grew out of your acting from your stress behavior. What need or expectation do you think was not being met that led to your feeling stressed? (Be careful not to try and blame someone else for what they did to cause your stress. Focus on your own unmet need or expectation.)
· If you have taken the Birkman inventory, share your coaching page with your supervisor and talk about ways he or she can help you get your needs or expectations met so you can stay in your usual, most effective behavior.
© Dr. Larry Gay, March 2010
* For more information on the Grip/Birkman Blueprint or the Birkman Method® contact the author at MyLEAD360@gmail.com.
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