"Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."
(Luke 6:45)
Sally lashed out at a co-worker with some very hurtful words, then came back later to say, "I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. That's really not who I am."
The truth is, Sally, yes that really is who you are. We might not always choose the best words to use at the appropriate time, but our words are like an X-Ray of our character. Our words reveal who we are, what we are thinking and how we feel. Especially when we are under stress, the words we use can reveal even tiny character flaws.
Sally was right to apologize. But instead of trying to excuse her behavior, she simply should have recognized how her words hurt her co-worker and asked for forgiveness for having caused pain with her words.
Speak the Truth in Love
“Always tell the truth. That way you don’t have to remember what you said.” (Mark Twain)
“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality.” (Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.)
People generally do not respond positively to negative words. They are much more likely to respond positively to positive words. The tricky part here is learning to speak the truth in such a way that the other person can still hear love in the words. Words spoken in anger reveal more about the speaker than they do about the receiver.
Sticks and Stones
Did your mother or grandmother ever try to soothe your hurt feelings with the little verse: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me!"?
As a child I tried to use this phrase like an incantation to counteract the hurtful words of my siblings, cousins or neighborhood kids whenever we got into shouting fights and name-calling. Sometimes I would cover my ears and chant loudly to cover up the insults as if I were putting a protective shield around me that would deflect their words and bounce them off into outer space.
Well, I hate to dispute our grandmothers' wisdom, but I declare that statement to be false! Words can hurt worse than sticks or stones. Long after the bruises and cuts of sticks and stones are healed and forgotten, the wounds of words can linger and fester. Once spoken, words can never be retrieved, edited or deleted and the damage can have long-lasting effects. As my wife says, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can bruise the soul.”
And then there is the problem of written words that never die, but circulate forever in cyberspace! Have you ever forwarded an email only to discover later that it was a hoax? I have seen the same email come back around as many as five years after it was revealed to be fraudulent! Have you ever tried to recall a message that you accidently sent before you meant for it to go out? Words spoken or written in anger can keep coming back to haunt you forever!
Special Hint on Email
When writing messages with corrective actions or complaints up line, before hitting the send button, always ask an assistant or trusted coworker to give a second opinion on how the communication will be received. Some paragraphs might serve better if deleted. If time will allow, write a first draft then let it sit for several hours or (better yet) overnight. Reread it with fresh, calm eyes and edit before sending.
Hint to the Leader
· Remember, the higher you go in the company or organization, the more weight your words carry.
· Be very sure of your motives, desires and aspirations because these will be evident in your words.
· Ask yourself, “Do my words tend to inspire or inflame?”
· Ask a trusted friend the same question above.
· Watch for opportunities to say a good word to every person you lead.
· If you must gripe, only gripe up, never gripe down.
“There's a chain of command. Gripes go up, not down, always up. You gripe to me, I gripe to my superior officer, so on, so on and so on. I don't gripe to you. I don't gripe in front of you.” (Captain Miller in Saving Private Ryan)
“There's a chain of command. Gripes go up, not down, always up. You gripe to me, I gripe to my superior officer, so on, so on and so on. I don't gripe to you. I don't gripe in front of you.” (Captain Miller in Saving Private Ryan)
Hint to the Follower
· Don’t let the words of others contaminate you (gossip, gripes, grievances).
· Consider what image your words may be presenting to others. How might you like to change that image?
· When sharing your concerns with superiors, consider your motives first, then try to demonstrate how your request can improve quality or increase productivity to meet the objectives and goals of the organization or company.
© Dr. Larry N. Gay
March 2010
My sinful personality not only has a quickness to stab someone with a "great" comment but also is rarely satisfied until I give the knife a bit of a twist, too. That first sinful comment is usually multiplied with whatever is spoken over my shoulder or under my breath as I walk away.
ReplyDeleteMy wife is so helpful here, she is the wise one who later tells me that what I said would have been much more effective if I had stopped talking about 30 seconds sooner. Then I get to go back and apologize, wondering why its taken me so long to learn that lesson.
Thanks. I can really identify with that, Craig. We all need truth-tellers and accountability partners. My wife plays both roles with me too.
ReplyDeleteThe sharp knife of sarcasm also deserves a complete article. Thoughtless words really can work against us.